I have a lot of people asking me about affairs lately, and maybe they have good reason. There are a lot of studies out there that try and gather statistics on the number of affairs. The problem is, affairs are so secretive that even the data we do have is probably skewed because people still don't feel comfortable telling the truth in anonymous studies.
What we do have suggests that affairs are very much common place. There are several reasons for this, but one of the greatest reasons is the growth of women in the workplace. Now, I don't want to suggest in any way that I blame women for this, because it is absolutely not there fault. However, their presence in the workforce has made infidelity much more accessible.
There was a time when the majority of women were housewives; they stayed at home and cared for the children and the home while the husband was out at work providing financially for the family. While the husband was at work, his place of business consisted of mainly men, with very few females. It would be very difficult to strike up a workplace affair. It would also be difficult for a woman who is a stay at home mother to carry out an affair while she is with the children.
With the growth of women in the job market, affairs become much more simple to execute. A work-place affair can grow from a simple business lunch, a dinner meeting, an after work cocktail, all the way to a full fledged affair.
Affairs aren't always a plan. Sometimes they really do "just happen." That is not, however, an excuse for having one. You see, a lot of the time, these meaningless lunches and dinners help to facilitate a friendship. They begin very casually, as most friendships do, where you really just start to learn a little about the other person. Then they begin to grow. You begin to share your goals and dreams, and confide in the other person by sharing the difficulties you are having in your life.
Soon, these friendships grow to feel more like dating. You can share so much more with this person than you can with your spouse. Why? This person is their for you, to listen to you, to comfort you. Your spouse used to be like this, but now everything turns into a fight. You can't share your true feelings.
Most of the time these affairs don't work out. In fact, when a couple that was having an affair decides to get married, the divorce rate is above 80% for that couple. See, when you are having this affair, it is a false relationship. Affairs, while tempting, lack the emotion necessary to sustain a long term status. They ignore faults in on another, which is interpreted as a false feeling of love.
So if you are having problems with your current relationship, my advice is to not rush into any type of affair. You were married to the person you are for a reason; you love that person. So work on that marriage and be their for your spouse. Marriage is not easy. No one ever claimed that is was.
The biggest lie we live in our lives is the courtship of our spouse. We try to impress, to become this wonderful person that we think the other wants to be with. Then, when we reach the pinnacle, marriage, we quit working at it, and expect something different. Why is it that during the courtship we work so hard to please our partner, but once we are married we stop?
You have to go back to working on your relationship. Start from the beginning. Think about the things you did together that you enjoyed, the conversations you shared, the things that brought you together, that made you fall in love. Do these things. Communicate with your spouse all of your feelings, and listen while they communicate yours. Marriage does take a little work to be successful, so work at it.
If you quit working on your marriage, you will have difficulty in it. To expect something different and not work at it is the definition of insanity. Spend some time learning your spouse again, and an affair won't even be a thought for either of you!
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